My joints literally feel like they are being pulled apart. All of them. all at once.
Had to take some perc and it’s only 5. Wahhh :(
I'm "dark and twisty". Or in other words i have problems trusting people, even myself. I have a genetic disabilities ; I have Endometriosis, Ehlers Danlos, and Osteoarthritis(from my EDS), and also disordered eating. I've had 17 surgeries in my 21 years. I deal with chronic pain, and my blog is a way for me to deal with that. I love my fandoms. My ships are : Mcswarek(Rookie blue) Dean/Jo(Supernatural)Linstead(Chicago PD)Caskett (Castle) Japril(Grey's Anatomy) . If you don't like what i do or say, get da fuck off my blog. Kisses.
can we please stop fucking temporarily (or permanently) making elevators inoperable to “encourage” ppl to take the stairs
like wtf am i supposed to do w this goddamn cane then, astral project to my destination?
honestly companies/places that do that are scum
Well if you’re in a wheelchair then it OBVIOUSLY doesn’t apply to you
But anyone who isnt in a wheelchair it applies to? FUnnny because 96% of disabilities are invisible, meaning a lot of people need to use an elevator rather than the stairs, and shouldnt be made to fucking feel guilty because they have to do that for their own health. uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
gym teachers who punish fat and physically disabled students have their own circle of hell where the fat and disabled kids throw bricks at them while they run laps with weights tied to all their limbs.
when i took gym i had to sit out because of my disabilites and for every sport they played i had to write a 5 page paper on the history of it.
preaching that if you just eat better and work out everything will be cured, you guys are the real sick people.
I may have been born with a few shitty bits of DNA but you’re actively choosing to be a disgusting ignorant insensitive asshole. Congratulations.
I wanted to clear this up. I know lately i’ve been posting a lot of fandom stuff, i’m not a fandom blog, i know. Being invested in my fandoms and in my ships is a major distraction for someone with chronic illnesses/pain. I watch my favorites when i can’t get out of bed, i make fanvideos because hiatus is a bitch ass motherfucker.
Because i just made my very first supernatural video, but it is very jo/deano-y, and i don’t want to get hate about it.
So i’ve watched 1-8 of supernatural quite a few times. And every time i go back around to watch it, i remember how much i fucking ship Jo and Dean. Yes everybody loves destiel, but what are the chances or getting real destiel action? Based on what i’ve seen, and heard(because i’m not into season 9 yet), is that cas is being portrayed as into women, even though in earlier seasons they refer to angels as sexless, i dont know if that could open the door for a full on destiel action.
My point is, everyone on this show dies, and have died several times. They somehow come back. Jo was back in season 7, but all it did was confuse us more than clear up all the feels we have for jo/dean. I was reading an interview with Alona Tal(Jo), talking about being back on set, and how she loved it and was always open on coming back. And i think the writers should make it happen, somehow, although i dont really know whats going on in season 9, i know there is going to be at least one or two more seasons, and i think they could conjour up a way to at least bring jo back. Dean deserves a woman, a woman with whom he has history. I highly doubt lisa will ever be back, and i personally liked Jo and dean much more. Plus Jo went back for dean, she died for him. They didn’t deserve better, they deserved a chance.
Anyways, i just wanted to clear that up for anyone who may want to hate on my video(s). :P
Not in the physical sense, as in “i’m in so much pain right now i’m going to die”, but in the sense that something is going to happen before i feel like I’ve lived my life. I feel like i’m not going to have that great love, or have a career, i don’t know, at some point i stopped picturing the future, and it’s kind of a shitty feeling. I guess it’s that “broken” feeling. This is suppose to be the prime of my life,i still feel like i’m 16 and have a lot of time to be young. But i don’t. I’m almost 22, and my bones are that of someone over 65, literally, not figuratively. It’s happened within 2 years, and it scares the crap out of me what 2 more or 10 more, or 40 more years could bring. It scares me. No, i don’t have a terminal disease, but i have a disease that could kill me, quite randomly in fact. Or i could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, whatever. The fact is, when you live in constant agonizing pain. It sucks up your life, you change. It’s demanding, it’s all encompassing. People always say you can’t become your illness, but damn it, you do. You mold your life around the limitations your body decides to give you. Limitations you don’t get to choose. Limitations not only physically, but emotionally. Do you know how hard it is to self love when your own body is fighting a god damn civil war? It’s nearly impossible. I don’t want to die, it scares the hell out of me if i’m telling the truth, but damn this doesn’t feel like life is suppose to either, this isn’t what i dreamed of, this isn’t even how it’s suppose to be, and perhaps that’s why the chronically ill find comfort in each other, because having friends that are normal is hard, friends that are living their dreams and falling in love, it’s really hard to have to be a spectator to the life that you’re suppose to be living.
So i’ve lost about 20 pounds. Although about 10 of them were lost from my horrible food poisoning. But i had put on some weight around Christmas time, so i was glad to see it go. Since then i’ve joined back at the gym and i’ve been working my ass off. Like 6/7/8 miles on the bike everyday, lifting, and swimming. I’m working really hard, and it really hurts.
What normal people don’t realize is just how much it takes out of you to do it when your body is broken, when you can barely walk out of the gym without a joint falling out of socket. I know once i lose more weight it might become easier, i’ll be in better shape, but it will never be not painful. And i think i’m doing it to prove to myself that this disease cant control me. Because i’m so fearful that i’m not going to leave an impact on the world. I’m scared that i’ll never have a job i’m passionate about. I’m scared no one will ever stick around. I dont want to bother my spoonie friends with it,because i know it can be really triggering, and i dont have many other friends left that care, so i’m doing it alone. It hurts physically, but it also hurts emotionally. And the two of those things together, are fucking excruciating.